A New Journey

So it's been a while since I have posted. I think I have finally decided what direction this blog is going to take. I may lose some of you by changing directions, but I'm feeling compelled to go this way - so if you are still along for the journey - then Welcome! It's nice to have you here, and any comments and encouragement along the way will be appreciated.

New Years Resolutions. We have all made them, and we have all failed. They don't work. As our pastor preached in a recent sermon - habits will always win out over willpower. So this is not a "Resolution", so to speak. It is a personal challenge, a journey, a new direction. I haven't written about this before out of fear. Fear of judgement, fear of embarrassment, fear of failure. So here it is...

I am fat. No reason to be politically correct, or sugar coat it. No need for you to feel uncomfortable reading my admission - I'm not oblivious to it - I am aware. My love for food is no secret to those who know me - I love to cook it, I love to eat it. And quite honestly, I am not one of those people that walks around worried about what people think of my appearance. I am comfortable in my own skin - I am okay with who I am. I can go into a restaurant and eat my meal without worrying that people will be quietly commenting, "look what the fat girl is eating." I can shop in the plus size section without wondering what the dressing room attendant must be thinking about the sizes I ask for. Is this denial, or it is just me accepting myself?

But here's the thing - I am okay with my appearance. Sure, it would be nice NOT to have to shop in the plus size section. And although God has blessed me with amazing health despite my weight, how long will that blessing continue if I don't start to take care of myself. Oh, and one last thing... After a long chat with my dear Mom about my desire to learn more scripture, and live more in God's word, and a request for a nice daily devotional to start out the new year as a Christmas gift - I thought for sure she would know the perfect book to get me. Something that digs into the gospel of John, or a nice study on the book of Timothy. But on Christmas morning, the book I opened was nothing of the sort. The title, "Made to Crave; Satisfying Your Deepest Desire with God, Not Food".

Quite honestly, it was like a slap in the face. I quickly put it down and moved on to watch my children discover their next gifts. I didn't even want to turn the book over to read the back of it. I was embarrassed. In front of my husband. In front of myself. And I was angry with my Mom.

As I was putting gifts away, I again got a glimpse of the title of the book, and again shoved down any emotion, shut out any thought, and put the book away. And I didn't think of it again until I was driving with a friend a few days later. We were talking about dealing with children that were disappointed with their gifts that weren't just EXACTLY what they had asked for - and I admitted that I am sure my child inherited that "quality" from me. The inability to just smile and say thank you, even if it doesn't seem perfect. The inability to hide the disappointment. And in that moment I welled up with emotion as I admitted to my friend how hurt I was by this "thoughtful gift" from my mom. How it made me feel like after I poured my heart out to her about wanting to feel closer to God, and have greater knowledge of His word - THIS is what she came up with? A book about being FAT? How it made me feel like despite all of the spoken struggles in my life, the only one my mom can see when she looks at me is that I am fat. And I cried to my friend, and she suggested that maybe that wasn't my moms motivation at all. She knows my mom, and she was sure that my mom meant the gift to be something helpful, not hurtful. And she, of course, was right.

So I thought more about the gift at that time. And in that moment I decided that until I had a desire to open the book and read what was in it, I would not say a word about it to my mom. Of course my mom hadn't meant to hurt my feelings. But no matter how old we get, there is still a part of us that feels like a little kid when we deal with our parents - at least this is true in my case. So there was a part of me that felt very judged, and a part of me that felt like I was a disappointment to my parents. And yet another part of me that wanted to be rebellious and reject the book just because it came from my mom.  And as all these thoughts swirled through my head, I knew that I couldn't address it with my mom until I could say something nice about it. So I kept my mouth shut. And I looked at the book every day, and I asked myself, "If I had seen this book at the store, would I have picked it up and bought it?" And I committed to myself that I would, in fact, open the book and start to read it.

And then my mom asked me about it before I had opened the book. And although I tried to explain that I didn't want to discuss it yet, we talked anyway, and I told her how I was feeling. And she explained how God had led her to this book, and how through prayer she had really received confirmation that it was the right gift to give me. And that she had read the book, and wanted to go through it together, as help mates to one another.

So now here I am, January 10th, and I cracked open the book. And I read the first chapter, and at the end of the chapter there are questions and reflections. And when I got to those questions, my first thought was to grab a notebook and jot down my answers and reflections. Then I thought, maybe I will type it in a Word document instead. And then I had the epiphany - why not blog about it?

Why not? Maybe because it is too personal! If I put it in writing, out there on the world wide web for anyone to read, someone might discover.... Discover what? That I am fat? That overeating is something that I struggle with? That I do not actually live the charmed life that we all like to show off with our posed pictures and well thought out status updates on facebook?

Okay, so here I am... If you have met me personally, or seen me in the last 20 years, the fact that I am fat is not a secret - so why should I try to hide that? And if you don't know me, or haven't seen me - this is me!

And if that offends you, then you don't have to read my blog. And as far as struggling with overeating - well that is also kind of a given, how else do you think I got fat? And as for my charmed life? Well, of course I am very blessed with beautiful, healthy children, an amazing, loving husband, a home, cars, and food on our table. God has not been stingy with me - he has showered me with blessings. The thing that would not fit under the "charmed" umbrella has nothing to do with the gifts I have been given. It has to do with how I receive them.

So I have decided to share my journey with anyone that wants to follow it. I know the road won't be easy, and I am certain that I will stumble and fall along the way. But this is a journey that I want to take, a change that I want to make in my life. And a destination that I know I cannot reach if I do not place my hand in the hand of God, and lean on Him for guidance along the way. I know that this posting has been very long - so thank you for sticking with me as you read through it. My next posting will be in response to chapter one of the book - which coincides with chapter one of this new life I am committing to.

God Bless you all in this new year, and in whatever journey are setting out on!