Tower of Impossibility

Give ear to my words, O Lord, consider my sighing. Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, for to you I pray. In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation. (Psalm 5:1-3)

While I was reading chapter 2 this morning it really hit close to home. So close, in fact, that it could have been written about me. The author started the chapter by talking about her morning ritual - so very similar to my own - and how it seemed to be a vicious cycle that she was powerless to stop.

My morning ritual goes something like this: I roll out of bed at 4:30 a.m. with the absolute resolve that today is the day I will stick to my plan and make the right choices all day long. I walk into the living room to sit down for a bit of quiet time before the kids get out of bed. This is when I catch up on Facebook, watch one of my TV shows, or do my reading. As soon as I sit in the recliner, my stomach starts to growl and I begin to think about what I should eat for breakfast. I hate that I wake up hungry - it seems like it would be so much easier to lose weight if you didn't start eating until 9 am! Anyway, I go to the kitchen and try to choose something healthy to eat, then go finish my quiet time with my breakfast. Once the kids are all up, I go to the bathroom to get ready, I weigh myself before getting in the shower. And every morning, I take a deep breath before stepping on the scale, then exhale to be sure to rid my lungs of all that extra oxygen weight! And then I think skinny - as though somehow believing the scale will show me a lower number will make it happen. And every morning it is the same. So I step off, reset the scale, and step back on. Same. Then the whole time I am in the shower I give myself this pep talk - "Today is the day. You will eat the right foods today. You will be more active today. You will eat small, healthy meals throughout the day. You won't eat anything fried today."

And then I do really well... Until lunch time when I have gotten all of my morning running around done, picked my daughter up from school, fed the kids their lunch and gotten them down for naps, and I'm finally ready to sit and eat. And I'm starving because it's 1 pm and I haven't eaten anything but a celery stick since 4:30 a.m. And a nice salad with some almonds and a glass of water just aren't going to cut it. And the only thing that sounds like it will satisfy is something hot and cheesy... Nachos? A quesadilla? Leftover enchiladas from dinner last night? (Did I mention that I LOVE Mexican food?) And on a really good day, I will deny that craving and eat the salad. And then an hour later I will open up a bag of Doritos and then it's all downhill from there. I've already blown it for today, might as well start again tomorrow.

One thing that Lysa wrote about that made me take pause was that she realized that she relied on food more than she did on God. That sounds so horrible to say, but it doesn't take much introspection to realize that it is also true in my life. She talked about turning to food for comfort, reward, joy, stress, sadness or happiness. Admittedly I am an emotional eater. And the emotions that most prompt eating for me are boredom, stress, and comfort.

As a stay at home mom of three and daycare provider for an 18 month old, boredom doesn't seem like it should factor into my day. The kids keep me busy, physically. The boredom for me is mental and emotional. When I am not talking to a friend, reading something, or doing something that gives me a challenge - my mind gets bored. And I eat.

As a stay at home mom of three and daycare provider for an 18 month old, believe it or not, stress does factor into my day. A lot! The stress of fighting to get my middle child out the door in the morning because slow and steady does not win that race! The stress of fighting the boys to get their homework done in the evening. The stress of wondering if I am going to have to force the kids to sit at the table until bedtime because they don't like the meal I put on their plate and refuse to eat it, even though it was their favorite last week. And of course the stress of finances, worrying about my friends and their various situations, and even trying to maintain some of my own friendships. And I eat.

And at the end of a long, crazy, bored, and stressful day... When the kids are in bed, and I am sitting next to my darling husband on our dual recliner, finally settled in for an hour of adult time... When I can take a deep breath and exhale and finally relax and let go of the activity of the day - what is more comforting than a before bed bowl of cereal?

So in response to Lysa's admission to her food reliance - I realize that these are all times that I turn to food rather than God. And they make up a big portion of my day.  And they make up a Tower of Impossibility - as she puts it. And her solution to this is to remove each brick, one by one, in this tower of cravings, and reuse each brick to build a walkway of prayer.

I love this illustration, because it is easier for me to wrap my head around something that I can visualize in such a way. So from here on out, I am really going to try to refocus myself so that I can use each craving as a prompt to pray. And while the thought of just knocking the tower down all at once is so much more appealing - a nice quick fix - it just isn't realistic and history has shown that it just won't work in my life. So brick by brick, craving by craving, prayer by prayer, by the grace of God, I am going to take this tower down. And maybe, just maybe, tomorrow morning when I step on that scale I will see a small change. And the next day. And the next.

God bless you!